2013 Year End Review

A narrative of the year gone by.

It's the 30th of December 2 more days and 2014 comes through: I wonder what it holds for me.
2013 has been too good to me, I've been through too much I do not even know where to begin. I suppose we can start on January I've proven to be resilient after the extreme pressure that I've been through. I've proven how much of a caffeine addict I can be when I want to and hoe much of a procrastinator I really am. Thesis, which I've manage to pull through January of 2013 has really brought out the best and worst of me. January  also marked my chain smoking capabilities (something I'm not really proud of).

Come February, thesis pressure still isn't over add the comprehensive exam we have to take. February is when I've discovered my love for painting. I realized how I can express myself through that module--thanks to my digital painting elective class.

March has been glorious! It's bitter-sweet but sweet for the most part. I remember being emotional the whole month of March.  It's when I left my alma matter, my home for nine loong years, the month I became an ex-convent school girl. I still miss St. Scho. I wish so much that, that isn't the last time I am coming to school in this lifetime. I wish to study again, to learn more.

April-July was hell. I've been worried sick about not getting any jobs when my classmates have done so already.

August I got hired and started my training and gained plenty new friends

October felt something I last had (felt) during my high school days

November- gave up on the feeling

December is a bliss

hahahah nothing much significant transpired ever since I started working but what I'm truly thankful for for this year is that I don't cry myself to sleep anymore like I have for the past 3 years :) THANK YOU LORD!

I don't get it. You say you're gonna be there for me but you never reply to my texts. You say you care but I only here from you when you need something from me. And what sucks the most is that I love you so much that I can bear it all.

blank

if there's two things I'm really good at the first one is being on the other side of unrequited love. I seem to have mastered having feelings I cannot contain on my head and on my heart but never having the ecstatic opportunity to be recognized nor returned. It's getting quite amusing actually, the way how the situation always seem to victimize me. It would actually be nice to be reciprocated for once.


On the side note, last  Friday he hugged me, half(y) and that hug made me feel like I am actually on the right track(of moving on). It sucks so much and it hurts but still I'm glad for I know I am saving myself from a deeper agony. More and more I wish me luck as it changes from week to week. I might be ok today and nil tomorrow and it's getting harder but I'm gonna keep trying (to move on).

carrie diaries season 2 episode 5

In the diner Carrie sees Sebastian looking down at his cup of joe

Carrie: Are you ok?
Sebastian: yeah I'm fine!
Carrie: I know you, you're not ok

--

I want that for me :(

song of the whatever duration

I seriously think that this song is written for me :))

fooled you!

hahaha at the office I was putting up a new do. Many people have been fooled to think that I am wearing make up because I as inspired or in love when it's quite the opposite actually. As in the many many occasion I am using it as a tool, to make me happy,because truly it's what's keeping me from breaking down, to know that I am can still be pretty in my own little way.




One ulterior motive of mine is to show him what he's missing. I am thankful that it worked but I am not happy. But it's still funny when I think of how I fooled the world with my mask. yeah feels great.

here's what I'm talking about 

unlit beacon

how did I get from that bliss of a Sunday to this.

serendipity moments

i seriously ask this question. WHY?? why do these moments keep on happening? <3 I can only be thankful :) <3 <3

i woke up to the thought of missing you. I miss you.  let me in please.


I will wait for the sun to shine on me.

a secret...

i have a crush on this girl since forever

10. The hardest lesson you will ever learn will be to love yourself. But you can do it. There will always be days when you hate yourself, days when you wish you had never been born. But darling, you are beautiful, and if Shakespeare had met you, you would’ve inspired his 18th sonnet, and if Monet had known you, he would’ve given up painting water lilies and chosen to paint you instead. I know it’s hard to love yourself, but sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish with your love.

11. When you begin to feel worthless, remember that the stars died for you. You are made of elements that are thousands of years old, elements that make up every atom of your being. When you want to cut your wrists, remember that the souls of stars live in your veins. Don’t kill them. Don’t be selfish.

if you want something you should go all stretches to get it. if you think it'll make you happy then why not give yourself a taste or hopefully even more. most of the time we over-think situations instead of just plunging in. it's very natural to be filled with doubts but it would definitely And of course there's nothing wrong with a little calculation, a little hesitation here and there and there's also nothing wrong with testing waters. so long as you don't trample anything/anyone along the way I say there is nothing wrong to go for it while keeping your morals intact. :)


p.s. it hurts to stray away from muscle memory. you see my letter 'e' is sira here on my keyboard as a remedy I copy paste it :(( poor mau

― Warsan Shire. For women who are difficult to love.

every damn day

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Motto

If you ask me what my motto in life is, I'd say "live your life and not the other way around" see here's something I'd been forever promising myself to do. Lately I feel like I haven't been living up to my promise. It's not like I feel like a robot because somewhere along the path I've been travelling lately has made me feel emotions I've long been yearning for and that's actually a great thing.  Maybe it's just the routine that's slowly killing me because it's effin' stressful!! But I'm learning the ways, I'm slowly getting there. I'm slowly trying to keep one system out from the other and not ruin me in the process. dunno if this is part of living or I am just plainly existing or maybe... I'm looking for that jolt, something or maybe someone to electrify me and power it up.

--end

devastating and heartbreaking

Typhoon Yolanda, the most powerful of it's kind in history has left many of my kababayans homeless, without a mother, without a father, without a brother, without a sister, without a daughter, without a son and with the extremely unluckiest ones without all of those. I really from the bottom of my heart thank all those compassionate people all around the world who did contribute, sent their aid, prayers and thoughts to my fellow Filipinos.

I literally tear up whenever I see this photo. 

dahil madaming flags. sooo cute!

a huge ass truck bearing tidings from the hearts of many donors. God Bless them all!

thought me and Blackie could contribute in our own little way :)

proud of us today :)

I wouldn't wanna put this here sana pero kasi nalulungkot lang ako na volunteers from around the world are pouring here but I know many people who haven't even contributed a single pair of smelly old socks to the victims. this just breaks my heart. I wouldn't even begin writing about politicians who used this as an opportunity to promote their names and how disorganized our govt is right now. 

and this with no connection whatsoever to this post

hello cellulite

random thoughts

please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone.

random thoughts while that song is playing on th* background.

somebody told me just awhile back in the office how my boyfriend to be would be lucky because I am a fan of cars and basketball.  I was curious about how it is related to being in a relationship. haha dunno I don't get it. If ever God does introduce me to someone I hope with all my heart that our relationship would be based on friendship. That more than anything he is my best friend first.  And we accept each other for who we are.

**end

thesis

naisip ko na hindi ko man lang naibahagi dito sa digital diary ko ang karanasan ko sa pagsusulat ng thesis. minsan, sa isang matagal na siglo na ang nakaraan ay sumulat at gumawa ako ng thesis dahil pangangailangan iyon upang makapagtapos sa kolehiyo ko. iyon na siguro ang isa sa mga pinakamahirap na pinagdaanan ko sa buhay ko. Ang pagsulat kasi ng aming thesis ay may madugong nakaraan. Nabiyayaan kami ng guro na hindi alam ang ginagawa niya ngunit makikita mo naman na may puso siyang makatulong, ngunit sawimpalad na hindi sapat iyon kung kaya't kailangan naming magsariling sikap upang mabuno ang mga pagkukulang na meron ang aming paaralan. may 2 bahagi ang aming thesis, isa ay ang pagsulat ng papeles o dokumento na siyang magiging sandigan ng aming produkto na maaring isang website, isang interactive flash game, isang 3D na aktibidad. Ang aking napiling gawin ay ang Carbon Footprint Calculator na maaring gamitin ng mga bata. Nangangailangan ng masusing pagsagap ng impormasyon at mga kaisipan upang mabuo ang papel na bahagi ng aming thesis. Ngunit ang mas mahirap na yugto para sa akin ay ang pagbuo ng concepto at pagddrawing ng mga kakailanganing materyals upang mabuo ko ang kahihitnatnan na produkto ko. At ang pinakamahirap na yugto sa akin ay ang pag co-codes ng aking thesis dahil ang napakasaklap na katotohanan ay hindi ako natulungan at hindi ako matulungan ng aking thesis adviser ukol dito sa napakasimpleng dahilan na hindi niya rin alam ang dapat gawin. napakasaklap na pakiramdam ng walang sandigan, na hindi mo alam kung paano gagawin ang isang bagay dahil inaasahan ito sayo ngunit kahit kailan ay hindi naman talaga naituro. Napaksaklap na may inaasahan silang produkto mula sayo kung gayon namang kulang sa gabay sa proseso.

hindi ko rin makakalimutan ang karanasan ko sa pagtulong sa isang kaibigan ukol sa kanyang thesis. pakiramdam ko ay 2 beses akong gumawa ng thesis dahil matapos kong tapusin ang akin ay tumulong naman ako na bumuo ng concepto, papel, mismong produkto at idagdag pa diyan ang pagpupursige sa kaibigan ko na kayang naming gawin iyon, na makakapasa siya at matatapos din kami. medyo mabigat sa kalooban nung mga panahon na iyon na hindi lang sarili mo ang kailangan mong himukin kundi siya din, idagdag mo pa na hindi kayo matutulog at wala ka pang tulog dahil galing ka rin sa pagtapos ng iyong sariling thesis.

ngunit sa kadulo-duluhan ng lahat napakasarap sa pakiramdam na hindi lang isa kundi siguro apat ang aking natulungang kamag-aral ukol sa kanilang thesis. masarap isipin na naging bahagi ka ng pagbuo nuon, na nakatulong ka sa kapwa mo at nakapagbigay ka ng kontribusyon sa pagtatapos nila.

Sa kabuuan nito hinding hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga taong nakatulong sa akin upang mabuo ito, si Justine para sa suporta at tulong na itinulong niya sa akin. Si Regg na gumawa ng mga codes na aking pinagaralan at inilapat sa aking mga produkto. Si Fran na walang sawang umaalo sa mga luha at walang hanggang hindi-kasiguraduhan ko sa sarili ko at sa proseso. Ang aking mga magulang, kapatid at mga kaklase na sumuporta sa akin.

isang hindi  makakalimutang karanasan na nakapagpatunay ng tibay ng aking loob. isang patunay sa kasabihang "you can achieve whatever you set your mind to".

i

one good and bad thing about work is me not eating anymore and me smoking a lot. In most days I'll take my brunch around 11am and at times have a biscuit by midshift or most of the time smokes gets me by. No matter how many gazillion times I tell myself I'd quit I just can't.  And I dont know why

makeup magic

just awhile back I was feeling so sad about something and as usual I revert to make up to make me feel good and as usual I take a photo of me just as I am about to lose it. The day before I took these photos I used the paint-your-face to make you feel good trick but No it didn't work and thank God the day I took these photos it did the trick. I realized how much I miss taking black and white photos. It's always dramatic when taken this way. There's that certain allure with the intensification of the lights and shadows on black and white photos.

nostalgia

climb to the top

wonder what I was smiling on about?

fave photo of me

sierra madre

lush vegetation

clear blue sky

leading on somewhere

this is how much I miss travelling... I stayed up 'til 4am just to edit this photos because I am feeling nostalgic. I miss seeing this scenery. I miss those lush mountain. I miss seeing green. I miss breathing fresh air. I miss the wind on my face . But most of all I miss the feeling of getting away, of going somewhere, of being on a journey...heading somewhere serene... away from my thoughts. 

SOMEBODY TAKE ME AWAY.

p.s. photos taken on my last trip to Tanay Rizal with PHICSAMATION for our tree planting activity. oh how I  badly want to come back. circa 2013/2012?



p.p.s. pardon the bad photo editing.

“my sadness is not
a cut for you to bandage
and it is not
a bruise for you to kiss

i am not waiting
for you to save me
i am hoping you will love me
while i rescue myself”
— this is what a hero looks like (w.k.)

in a perfect world

in a perfect world this would be my profile photo on Facebook.

and this would be my blog name

                                 

song of the week

woke up yesterday with this in my head and I cant stop.

me at the moment. I cannot even...

I can be surrounded by a sea of people and feel all alone...

thought that's just in the movies 'til it happened to me. this is new to me... having a routing where I'm all alone everyday might take some time to get used with. :) 

i only know the feel of the space between my hand
i only know the warmth of my breath and
the taste of my lips

I thought I know it well

but when I'm with you

it's like I don't know me

at all...

sincerity

to be heard but not listened to is one of the saddest things that could happen to you. ever. 

Joker

dunno how many times I've written, raved and cried about Heath Ledger, I know he's dead and all but still... He's the only dead person I continue to have a crush on... paano naman he's forever tattooed in my as Joker. He was so brilliant there I cannot even...

Just awhile back while having a smoke with this person, a guy costumed as joker came to ask me for a light and seriously during that moment I was imagining Heath looking at me. BUT now as I am reliving the moment on my  mind, I... cannot stop thinking about his smile and his eyes. I wish he would approach me again, without make up next time. I wish I could recognize him then :)

feeling sad

I'll never forget this day. This day when I learned that because of your principles you failed to protect me. I wont forget it. 

thoughts...

something about today made me realize that it was all in my head. yes. it's all in my head.

boo

this is what I hate. It's when u get inside my head and you stay there. And in my mind it was perfect but the reality stresses otherwise.

nasisi pa ang buwan

in the night and every other
she see's a girl in the mirror


it was the moon smiling bright
with flowing tears on it's eyes
peek closely and realize
that those eyes tell you no lies

at night she not alone:
misery haunts her soul
she has a dark secret;
but no one else knows

from earth the moon's face is bright
but from up high,
you see the dark side
sadness
hidden from view of plain sight

she has the sun to run from
and the earth to circle around
together--apart forever

c'est très meurtrier

“Half the night I waste in sighs,

Half in dreams I sorrow after

The delight of early skies;

In a wakeful dose I sorrow

For the hand, the lips, the eyes,

For the meeting of the morrow,

The delight of happy laughter,

The delight of low replies.”

-------

-------

I've got to be honest

I think you know

We're covered in lies and that's OK

There's somewhere beyond this I know

But I hope I can find the words to say 

Never again no

No never again 

[Chorus]

'Cause you're a god

And I am not

And I just thought

That you would know

You're a god

And I am not

And I just thought

I'd let you go

-------

Ang hirap maging babae
Kung torpe iyong lalaki
Kahit may gusto ka... di mo masabi
Hinde ako iyong tipong nagbibigay motibo
Conservative ako kaya di maaari
At kahit mahal kita... Wala ako magagawa
Tanggap ko 'to aking sinta, pangrap lang kita

----

c'est très meurtrier



me now. get it?

something old

whenever I coast along Taft Avenue when coming from Buendia just before the Vito Cruz LRT station I see house after house with it's magnificent old architectural charm. and I feel a bit sad whenever I see them in their current state. I feel sad for the loss of grandeur those structures must have had once upon a time. I feel sad that wonderful designs like those are being abandoned and be rarely seen today. Though I understand that architecture in it's nature has to really evolve, I understand that the lifestyle now has changed, the needs of people change and architecture has to conform to those modern demands. But what I'm trying to say is, I wish that those that are left standing now would be preserved or even restored to it's former beauty. I just wish that something could be done about that.

A week ago I did ask someone who seems very passionate about travelling; what he likes most about going to places. He said it's getting to experience the culture, meet new people... He also mentioned how much he likes visiting old churches, in lieu of this topic, I am happy about how that's one of the coolest thing that my country has: old standing churches dating back 50 to even hundreds and hundreds of years. As much as my
religious reasons why I enter church I also love visiting it because of it's wonderful architecture (old ones in particular) truly nothing can compare to structures that really took time to be built. I've only visited a few but someday I wish to really go on a pilgrimage and see as many as I can.


on the side note I super kaduper badly wish to travel like he does. someday... when I have the moolah or I will save up for it and go go go!

I remember a conversation I had with a friend last week about Quiapo how I feel sad(ish) when I visit the area. With the Cinemas and all the shopping center losing it's former glory. Why did that happen? Why was that place not able to maintain the prestige that it once had? What could be the underlying issue? Is it because Quiapo was hesitant for change thus it was left behind?

another side note: I wish I had someone to talk with about issues or thoughts like this. I wish to find that person whom I could converse with and not be tagged as weird. haha
I do like those old structures very much. It gives me a real peek into the past. That's probably one of the reasons why it's still there standing and in that state too because it gives people like me an example, a symbol of the past.

and I foolishly found myself waiting... and I can't get enough of that smile. FUCK. 

song post again2

SONG OF THE WEEK:

I don't know how I got here (to this song) I just did. I got addicted and I haven't even had experienced what she felt yet, I guess you don't need experiences to feel the feeling :)) yeah? but it's a nice song and it's somewhat related to love and death as the other songs I like.

Dark Paradise by Lana Del Ray

"Dark Paradise"

All my friends tell me I should move on
I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song
Ahhh, that's how you sang it
Loving you forever, can't be wrong
Even though you're not here, won't move on
Ahhh, that's how we played it

And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead

Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side

All my friends ask me why I stay strong
Tell 'em when you find true love it lives on
Ahhh, that's why I stay here

And there's no remedy for memory your face is
Like a melody, it won't leave my head
Your soul is haunting me and telling me
That everything is fine
But I wish I was dead

Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you

But there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh, ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh oh, ha ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight

There's no relief, I see you in my sleep
And everybody's rushing me, but I can feel you touching me
There's no release, I feel you in my dreams
Telling me I'm fine

Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you
I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side
Every time I close my eyes
It's like a dark paradise
No one compares to you

But there's no you, except in my dreams tonight,
Oh oh oh oh, ha ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight
Oh oh oh oh, ha ha ha ha
I don't wanna wake up from this tonight

SONG OF THE WEEK2 and VIDEO OF THE WEEK:

Featuring Johnny Fucking Depp! I love the song and have only discovered it a week ago! gaah I know right? but I like it soo much. Because I WISH I WAS SPECIAL SO FUCKING SPECIAL.

one afternoon

I was having a smoke at the rooftop of my home. The sky was starting to clear up after a light shower from the skies. It was dusk: my FAVORITE part of the day! It's always ALWAYS pure ecstasy for me to witness the setting sun and to watch the sky as it gradually changes its color from blue to orange to a deeper auburn color. No two are the same which makes everything much more interesting.  I don't know the reason behind how I feel (ecstatic) when I do I just do. Sadly it's one of the many things in life that I take for granted; the beauty of a sunset.

On a heavier note, I was watching the sky as I puff when I noticed that the clouds weren't moving but then I looked deeper/focused more and realize that I was mistaken. I can see that gray clouds were very slowly inching away and then I focused a little more and saw that there are five tiny birds playing with the wind up up high in the sky. I guess the values I've learned on that scenario could also be applied in many moments in life. Most of the time we look but we don't really see and by not looking close enough we miss out on the many beautiful details that are right there in front of us. We can maybe apply it in situations where we feel stuck or during the not so pleasant experiences that we've had/will have. Often, if not always, we want things done our way and get what we want when we want it, but it might be that we're stuck there because we haven't seen what we have to see yet... or well you get the principle. Sometimes I think we just have to be keen on the details, because maybe it could lead us to the road of comfort. 

what's in a name?

I've been called many different names/nicknames one too many times that it doesn't quite affect me negatively anymore and besides ang pikon talo yeah? But I've realize something I really really like it when people call me by my whole name: Maureen. It doesn't happen often, as a matter of fact it rarely happens so when I hear people say my name I get this weird feeling inside me. hahaha weird yeah? but it's a pleasant kind of feeling, like there's an effort there to catch my attention. Except maybe when my boss would like to reprimand me and calls me by my whole name or my mom. hahaha but yeah there I hope more people would call me by my own name.


I believe I've already posted the meaning of my name here somewhere, I just can't find the post number so I could link it here but it's here somewhere I'm sure.

updat/

found my nam/ post http://whinerkidd.blogspot.com/2011/08/haha-just-found-out-meaning-of-my.html

confession.

this is so me. so much that it creeps me out. it amazes me to know that there is somebody out there feeling the exact same thing I'm fucking feeling for many many days. 

damn.

"If I ever happen to have an accident that eventually costs me my life, I hope it is in one go. I would not like to be in a wheelchair. I would not like to be in a hospital suffering from whatever injury it was. If I’m going to live, I want to live fully, very intensely, because I am an intense person. It would ruin my life if I had to live partially."  --Ayrton Senna

honored!

Because once upon a time I (sort of) got featured in the school webs' news and I co-wrote the article as well :)

I did work hard for this :)

finally!

after many months of waiting for a call, resume passing, plenty of failed exams and entrance screening interviews I finally found a job! I signed in at the first offer that chanced me cause really there's no comparing the feeling of being unwanted, feeling unqualified and not having a penny to spend when I want things which affected my self esteem badly. I am currently working an IT company in McKinley not as a programmer but as a help desk analyst. My position closely resembles to that of a call center if it isn't what it is already. I am currently affiliated with a huge ass bank and the position is extremely demanding especially for someone like me who never even gets out the couch to answer the phone calls meant for me. Also the position I am in right now demands me to be highly skilled at analyzing (which I'm good at mehehe) however it also requires me to memorize a lot of things which is extremely difficult as I am not really really good at it, also I am with a bunch of IT people whereas I am not (well not really) and the account is sooo technical. At the moment however, I am taking it as a challenge. I am pushing myself further to go out of the place where I am comfortable in. As I have posted on my Facebook account telling me that: You do not simply quit because things are getting harder, nothing compares to the feeling of conquering a rough patch.  My inspiration from this post is from my experience during college intramural wherein I decided to join the cheer leading team! Dancing is something I really really never ever do in life (in public), every damn day of practice I tell my friends that I would quit tomorrow as it gets harder and harder everyday and there are more and more steps, sequence and stunts to memorize but ALAS! I made it 'til competition day! Yes I did! haha we actually won!! well sort of as there has been some ehem magic hocus pocus stuff with the judges that made us win second place instead of first. that might not have been a positive and proper mind set but hey it got me through the end yeah? I persevered and the fruits are only too magical to forget so I'm trying to apply that now here as well.  At the moment I just really have to love what I do. :) toodles

lost...

THIS IS ME NOW.

JOB HUNT 2013

Tomorrow I will be off to sign a Job Order though I am still not aware of how things would turn out there. I am scared to death to be honest, a bit annoyed because I feel like I am taking this job for the sake of having it and not because I like the job whatsoever I mean you are reading about a girl who never ever answers the home phone calls. Another reason I'm lamenting about is my major being put into waste because of this job.
I just wish that everything will go smoothly for me. It's just that finding a job is too damn hard at the moment not to mention the self pity and restrictions being jobless prescribes so I have to take whatever is laid on the table.

ihop

so I went to IHOP in BGC with my bestfriend. We were coming from a job interview at McKinley and decided to relieve the dragons in our tummies. We both ordered an omelette a Ham and Cheese for me and a Bacon cheesy thingy for her both came with buttermilk pancakes of course. The experience is generally below my expectation. We were on the waiting list so we had to wait there for a few minutes. Service was not satisfying bordering horrible considering the fee they charge for that and it wasn't even too packed by time we were seated. We had to repeatedly ask for water and when it came we had to share a glass. imagine that! the food was surprisingly underwhelming as well. the pancakes tastes like flour (though the syrup assortment was nice) and the omelette was nothing special it was as it says an omelette, nothing I couldn't do at home. so yeah that's it. see and try for yourself. I hope so much that you get a better experience than I did.  

song of the week

Somebody is gonna miss you
Farewell
Somebody is gonna wish that you were here
That somebody is me