fooled you!

hahaha at the office I was putting up a new do. Many people have been fooled to think that I am wearing make up because I as inspired or in love when it's quite the opposite actually. As in the many many occasion I am using it as a tool, to make me happy,because truly it's what's keeping me from breaking down, to know that I am can still be pretty in my own little way.




One ulterior motive of mine is to show him what he's missing. I am thankful that it worked but I am not happy. But it's still funny when I think of how I fooled the world with my mask. yeah feels great.

here's what I'm talking about 

unlit beacon

how did I get from that bliss of a Sunday to this.

serendipity moments

i seriously ask this question. WHY?? why do these moments keep on happening? <3 I can only be thankful :) <3 <3

i woke up to the thought of missing you. I miss you.  let me in please.


I will wait for the sun to shine on me.

a secret...

i have a crush on this girl since forever

10. The hardest lesson you will ever learn will be to love yourself. But you can do it. There will always be days when you hate yourself, days when you wish you had never been born. But darling, you are beautiful, and if Shakespeare had met you, you would’ve inspired his 18th sonnet, and if Monet had known you, he would’ve given up painting water lilies and chosen to paint you instead. I know it’s hard to love yourself, but sometimes it’s okay to be a little selfish with your love.

11. When you begin to feel worthless, remember that the stars died for you. You are made of elements that are thousands of years old, elements that make up every atom of your being. When you want to cut your wrists, remember that the souls of stars live in your veins. Don’t kill them. Don’t be selfish.

if you want something you should go all stretches to get it. if you think it'll make you happy then why not give yourself a taste or hopefully even more. most of the time we over-think situations instead of just plunging in. it's very natural to be filled with doubts but it would definitely And of course there's nothing wrong with a little calculation, a little hesitation here and there and there's also nothing wrong with testing waters. so long as you don't trample anything/anyone along the way I say there is nothing wrong to go for it while keeping your morals intact. :)


p.s. it hurts to stray away from muscle memory. you see my letter 'e' is sira here on my keyboard as a remedy I copy paste it :(( poor mau

― Warsan Shire. For women who are difficult to love.

every damn day

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Motto

If you ask me what my motto in life is, I'd say "live your life and not the other way around" see here's something I'd been forever promising myself to do. Lately I feel like I haven't been living up to my promise. It's not like I feel like a robot because somewhere along the path I've been travelling lately has made me feel emotions I've long been yearning for and that's actually a great thing.  Maybe it's just the routine that's slowly killing me because it's effin' stressful!! But I'm learning the ways, I'm slowly getting there. I'm slowly trying to keep one system out from the other and not ruin me in the process. dunno if this is part of living or I am just plainly existing or maybe... I'm looking for that jolt, something or maybe someone to electrify me and power it up.

--end

devastating and heartbreaking

Typhoon Yolanda, the most powerful of it's kind in history has left many of my kababayans homeless, without a mother, without a father, without a brother, without a sister, without a daughter, without a son and with the extremely unluckiest ones without all of those. I really from the bottom of my heart thank all those compassionate people all around the world who did contribute, sent their aid, prayers and thoughts to my fellow Filipinos.

I literally tear up whenever I see this photo. 

dahil madaming flags. sooo cute!

a huge ass truck bearing tidings from the hearts of many donors. God Bless them all!

thought me and Blackie could contribute in our own little way :)

proud of us today :)

I wouldn't wanna put this here sana pero kasi nalulungkot lang ako na volunteers from around the world are pouring here but I know many people who haven't even contributed a single pair of smelly old socks to the victims. this just breaks my heart. I wouldn't even begin writing about politicians who used this as an opportunity to promote their names and how disorganized our govt is right now. 

and this with no connection whatsoever to this post

hello cellulite

random thoughts

please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone.

random thoughts while that song is playing on th* background.

somebody told me just awhile back in the office how my boyfriend to be would be lucky because I am a fan of cars and basketball.  I was curious about how it is related to being in a relationship. haha dunno I don't get it. If ever God does introduce me to someone I hope with all my heart that our relationship would be based on friendship. That more than anything he is my best friend first.  And we accept each other for who we are.

**end

thesis

naisip ko na hindi ko man lang naibahagi dito sa digital diary ko ang karanasan ko sa pagsusulat ng thesis. minsan, sa isang matagal na siglo na ang nakaraan ay sumulat at gumawa ako ng thesis dahil pangangailangan iyon upang makapagtapos sa kolehiyo ko. iyon na siguro ang isa sa mga pinakamahirap na pinagdaanan ko sa buhay ko. Ang pagsulat kasi ng aming thesis ay may madugong nakaraan. Nabiyayaan kami ng guro na hindi alam ang ginagawa niya ngunit makikita mo naman na may puso siyang makatulong, ngunit sawimpalad na hindi sapat iyon kung kaya't kailangan naming magsariling sikap upang mabuno ang mga pagkukulang na meron ang aming paaralan. may 2 bahagi ang aming thesis, isa ay ang pagsulat ng papeles o dokumento na siyang magiging sandigan ng aming produkto na maaring isang website, isang interactive flash game, isang 3D na aktibidad. Ang aking napiling gawin ay ang Carbon Footprint Calculator na maaring gamitin ng mga bata. Nangangailangan ng masusing pagsagap ng impormasyon at mga kaisipan upang mabuo ang papel na bahagi ng aming thesis. Ngunit ang mas mahirap na yugto para sa akin ay ang pagbuo ng concepto at pagddrawing ng mga kakailanganing materyals upang mabuo ko ang kahihitnatnan na produkto ko. At ang pinakamahirap na yugto sa akin ay ang pag co-codes ng aking thesis dahil ang napakasaklap na katotohanan ay hindi ako natulungan at hindi ako matulungan ng aking thesis adviser ukol dito sa napakasimpleng dahilan na hindi niya rin alam ang dapat gawin. napakasaklap na pakiramdam ng walang sandigan, na hindi mo alam kung paano gagawin ang isang bagay dahil inaasahan ito sayo ngunit kahit kailan ay hindi naman talaga naituro. Napaksaklap na may inaasahan silang produkto mula sayo kung gayon namang kulang sa gabay sa proseso.

hindi ko rin makakalimutan ang karanasan ko sa pagtulong sa isang kaibigan ukol sa kanyang thesis. pakiramdam ko ay 2 beses akong gumawa ng thesis dahil matapos kong tapusin ang akin ay tumulong naman ako na bumuo ng concepto, papel, mismong produkto at idagdag pa diyan ang pagpupursige sa kaibigan ko na kayang naming gawin iyon, na makakapasa siya at matatapos din kami. medyo mabigat sa kalooban nung mga panahon na iyon na hindi lang sarili mo ang kailangan mong himukin kundi siya din, idagdag mo pa na hindi kayo matutulog at wala ka pang tulog dahil galing ka rin sa pagtapos ng iyong sariling thesis.

ngunit sa kadulo-duluhan ng lahat napakasarap sa pakiramdam na hindi lang isa kundi siguro apat ang aking natulungang kamag-aral ukol sa kanilang thesis. masarap isipin na naging bahagi ka ng pagbuo nuon, na nakatulong ka sa kapwa mo at nakapagbigay ka ng kontribusyon sa pagtatapos nila.

Sa kabuuan nito hinding hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga taong nakatulong sa akin upang mabuo ito, si Justine para sa suporta at tulong na itinulong niya sa akin. Si Regg na gumawa ng mga codes na aking pinagaralan at inilapat sa aking mga produkto. Si Fran na walang sawang umaalo sa mga luha at walang hanggang hindi-kasiguraduhan ko sa sarili ko at sa proseso. Ang aking mga magulang, kapatid at mga kaklase na sumuporta sa akin.

isang hindi  makakalimutang karanasan na nakapagpatunay ng tibay ng aking loob. isang patunay sa kasabihang "you can achieve whatever you set your mind to".

i

one good and bad thing about work is me not eating anymore and me smoking a lot. In most days I'll take my brunch around 11am and at times have a biscuit by midshift or most of the time smokes gets me by. No matter how many gazillion times I tell myself I'd quit I just can't.  And I dont know why

makeup magic

just awhile back I was feeling so sad about something and as usual I revert to make up to make me feel good and as usual I take a photo of me just as I am about to lose it. The day before I took these photos I used the paint-your-face to make you feel good trick but No it didn't work and thank God the day I took these photos it did the trick. I realized how much I miss taking black and white photos. It's always dramatic when taken this way. There's that certain allure with the intensification of the lights and shadows on black and white photos.

nostalgia

climb to the top

wonder what I was smiling on about?

fave photo of me

sierra madre

lush vegetation

clear blue sky

leading on somewhere

this is how much I miss travelling... I stayed up 'til 4am just to edit this photos because I am feeling nostalgic. I miss seeing this scenery. I miss those lush mountain. I miss seeing green. I miss breathing fresh air. I miss the wind on my face . But most of all I miss the feeling of getting away, of going somewhere, of being on a journey...heading somewhere serene... away from my thoughts. 

SOMEBODY TAKE ME AWAY.

p.s. photos taken on my last trip to Tanay Rizal with PHICSAMATION for our tree planting activity. oh how I  badly want to come back. circa 2013/2012?



p.p.s. pardon the bad photo editing.

“my sadness is not
a cut for you to bandage
and it is not
a bruise for you to kiss

i am not waiting
for you to save me
i am hoping you will love me
while i rescue myself”
— this is what a hero looks like (w.k.)

in a perfect world

in a perfect world this would be my profile photo on Facebook.

and this would be my blog name

                                 

song of the week

woke up yesterday with this in my head and I cant stop.

me at the moment. I cannot even...

I can be surrounded by a sea of people and feel all alone...

thought that's just in the movies 'til it happened to me. this is new to me... having a routing where I'm all alone everyday might take some time to get used with. :) 

i only know the feel of the space between my hand
i only know the warmth of my breath and
the taste of my lips

I thought I know it well

but when I'm with you

it's like I don't know me

at all...

sincerity

to be heard but not listened to is one of the saddest things that could happen to you. ever. 

Joker

dunno how many times I've written, raved and cried about Heath Ledger, I know he's dead and all but still... He's the only dead person I continue to have a crush on... paano naman he's forever tattooed in my as Joker. He was so brilliant there I cannot even...

Just awhile back while having a smoke with this person, a guy costumed as joker came to ask me for a light and seriously during that moment I was imagining Heath looking at me. BUT now as I am reliving the moment on my  mind, I... cannot stop thinking about his smile and his eyes. I wish he would approach me again, without make up next time. I wish I could recognize him then :)

feeling sad

I'll never forget this day. This day when I learned that because of your principles you failed to protect me. I wont forget it. 

thoughts...

something about today made me realize that it was all in my head. yes. it's all in my head.