latency

Last night I watch as his friends try to rekindle him with his old flame. I study his face. I watch his expression, registered is something I could understand. I watch him sitting there awkwardly fiddling with his phone, pretending to read something. I remember he let me in on a secret before about a theme he downloaded on his phone where you would burst the bubbles on your screen so that you can pretend you are txting, so I know what he’s doing. I chose not to sit beside him. I watch and sit there as it happens. At that moment I felt like my world is collapsing, like a scene in a tv drama is happening to me. Half of me wished that I never saw it because half of me still believes and yearns for a chance and half of me is happy that it slapped me in the face, the girl is sweet, sexy, kind and pretty after all, I feel like I can never live up to that.

Sometimes I wish that he would pick up on my hints here and there. He knows how much I care about him, that in the least I made sure he feels. I wish he would care like he would txt me back because he wants to and not just because he feels obligated. I miss the moments when we’re alone together, smoking the shit out of our asses, kahit asarin niya na lang ako ng asarin I’d take that anytime than this feeling I’ve been having for quite sometime now; like we’ve lost the connection we’ve once had or thought we had.

Last night the last thing he told me was to go home “umuwi ka na”. Like a kid he commanded me to get going and before that in the hallway while waiting for each of our friends to show up he was teasing me with something like ‘umuwi ka na, ayan na yung school bus mo’ and I wonder is that all he sees me as? And with this sad story friends I leave you with a quote from Rebecca, one of my favorite books:


We were not suited to one another. I was too young for Maxim, too inexperienced, and more important still, I was not of his world. The fact that I loved him in a sick, hurt, desperate way, like a child or a dog, did not matter. It was not the sort of love he needed. He wanted something else that I could not give him, something he had before"