In need of a friend

I seriously am in need of a friend to help me figure things out, to dissect things bit by bit. Sadly the only person who I am most likely to talk about this to cannot relate still yet so I would have to wait or search someone, someone, anyone out there because that freakin gaaaah abcdewise writer of Sherlock Holmes is driving me koorazy.


P.S.this is a post dedicated to my bestfriend Kimberly Bautista PLEASE FINISH SHERLOCK ALREADY. (bec you were the one who got me into this in the first place)

dying

cannot fcuking fathom what the answer is, I'll die everyday til I do.

fcuk sentiments

"Resentment"

I wish I could believe you then I'll be alright

But now everything you told me really don't apply

To the way I feel inside

Loving you was easy once upon a time

But now my suspicions of you have multiplied

And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time

'Cause I can't go on and pretend like

I haven't tried to forget this

But I'm much too full of resentment

Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me

Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing, no

The very thing you gave to me

I thought I could forgive you and I know you've changed

As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain't the same

And it's all because you lied

I only give you a hard time

'Cause I can't go on and pretend like

I haven't tried to forget this

But I'm much too full of resentment

I may never understand why

I'm doing the best that I can and I

I tried and I tried to forget this

I'm much too full of resentment

I'll always remember feeling like I was no good

Like I couldn't do it for you like your mistress could

And it's all because you lied

Loved you more than ever

More than my own life

The best part of me I gave you

It was sacrificed

And it's all because you lied

the song is somewhat applicable but I dont know

masakit mainlove at masakit masaktan. masakit na nakikipaglaban ka para sa relasyon ngunit wala na ding magagawa. Mahirap ang pakiramdam kapag ipinagpalit ka sa iba pero sa aking palagay iba pa din ang sakit ng pakiramdam na nagmamahal ka, umaasa ka pero sa dulo ng lahat alam mong back up ka lang pag wala yung isa. Ginagamit ka lang at nagpapagamit ka naman. Umaasa ka na ikaw ang pipiliin at sinusubukang maging karapat dapat pero sa dulo ng tagpo alam mo na siya pa rin ang mahal niya at duon pa rin siya babalik at babalik kahit nandiyan ka pA.

malapit na

napapagtanto mo ang nalalapit na katapusan ngunit ayaw mo pang bumitaw
ang hinaing na puso'y mananatili na lamang na daing sa loob
wala ng pagasa ang pagsukob sa pusong balot
Di na mababago panahong lumipas
at mananaliti na lamang hinagpis ang oras na 'di na mababalik

ayaw ko pang bumitiw nguni't kailnangan.
ayaw ko pang matapos ngunit walang paraan
ayaw kong mabuhay sa nakaraan ngunit
ayaw ko nang dumating pa ang bukas
pagka't wala ka na
at ako'y lilisan na rin


--MMR

cannot fcuking remove this person out of my mind. I fear that I speak too much of  that person and people would notice. I just don't fcuking know the reason why!!! You cant blame me for thinking about (him?) (her?)

LEGO

I don't know if I've ever told anyone except from my Ate how I wanted to spend my first big pay!
here's how I plan on spending it: grocery with my mom and dad only! I'll buy them whatever they want in C & C, where we shop. and the only other thing that I would buy with it aside from my food & transpo portion is that big box of Lego at that toy store at the second floor of the Power Plant Mall in Rockwell. God knows how much I yearn for that Formula 1 car Lego that's worth 10K seriously I'll blow it all there nuff said.

SOMEDAY

best concert ever

I just got home from the best orchestral performance that I've ever been on. The Manila Symphony Orchestra had a truly satisfying, wonderful and astounding performance at the BDO with Conductor____
who was very thorough and keen on talking to the audience; explaining every piece that they were about to play. You could really see his enthusiasm in giving a bit of the background per piece hence giving me a better listening aptitude and a happier experience. What really made me happy wasn't the fact that I went in for FREE but the pieces that they played as well as how they played it.

Being super sick that I am today/yesterday I kept asking myself why I didn't immediately go home to catch some sleep after that cold, bleak fora at the Kuniberta Hall. Instead of doing what I deemed was the right thing to do I, instead, went to Makati, went to the mall, went to a concert in school by some of my fellow Scholasticans from the Music Department, went to my friends house and went to that concert at BDO. (Please do not mind the fact that I did not have a change of clothes at all, still in my uniform and all that) As I was sitting down in the middle of the concert by the MSO at BDO  I found the answer! It was because a few months ago I was begging my friends to come with me and watch the MSO concert with me when I saw their poster with the name of the composers: Strauss, Debussy Stravinsky and _____ I knew immediately that I had to see it however ticket prices discouraged me to come being the poor girl that I am now. However faith really finds it way and despite my sickness, despite my knowledge of it I was there; where I wanted to be all along. GALING! THAT IN ALL THINGS GOD MAY BE GLORIFIED!

P.S.
-needs editing sorry for the blanks. I'm blanking out because it's alreay 2:49 am in my laptop clock.
-more about the pieces they played, I work better when I recollect with sleep than without.

Pax test shot

Being a member of the St. Scho Pax 2013 the official yearbook committee of our batch I was invited to do test shots on both Zone 5 and Images by Child's Play. I say the experience was first of its' kind and gave me really new insights about being in front of the camera. First is that it's hard! definitely hard to find your angle, to find the proper about of smile, to project properly in front of the camera: to give that natural happy look. I can honestly say that I now have a bit of sympathy for the girls of the likes of America's Next Top Model wherein you see them breakdown on a shoot, or be thoroughly frustrated just because they can't deliver because really it's HARD. Well I guess it really depends upon the person, some really are just natural in front of the camera while there are some like I am really has to struggle to deliver. Thank God for the persevering photographers of Zone 5 who happens to be the owners also who are very persevering in teaching me how to properly pose and be conscious of my fcukin left eye who never ceases to find its' way to bow down and give me that kirat look. damn I hate that look on my eyes whenever I smile too much, naiipit ata ng taba or something yung lids ko aah ewan. It's different though with the Images people who only gave us a limited number of shots as well as the lack of coaching.

here are some of the photos I've manage to produce: my "beauty shots" accdg to Sir Reb

siopao

If I am a sucker for doughnuts then siopao is the salty counterpart of it. I swear! If anyone would try to win me over he could do so by siopao and honey glazed doughnuts and sweet meant to be oh so true messages of love declaration, anyway back to the siopao. One rainy afternoon my sister Mariel and I requested daddy to go down to MOA to satisfy our craving for doughnuts and he came back with guess what? 8 pairs of siopao! Being the brat that I am and having my mind ready for doughnuts I resented him for buying us that alternative. But of course being me give me a few seconds and I'll give in. It always happen that I give in to my guilt kasi syempre naawa ako like the one with my prof, but that's another story. So yeah long story short I ended up finishing almost but not entirely everything. HAHAHAHAPPYGIRL

i love my Dad too much, wouldn't know what to do without him. I think a part of me would die. 

basis

so a while ago I was talking to my friend about her new relationship we then cross the topic of cheating. I asked her what would she do if she finds out that her partner have been cheating on her and she said that she'll let it all go and drop the relationship once and for all. She said that she has had enough of forgiving a cheater all her trust were drained for doing so once upon a time. On the other hand I have this friend who has been in a relationship with her partner for more than 2 years now and it hasn't been that healthy at all. there wasn't a day where they didn't have a fight or conflict of interests. Both have had scarred each other emotionally and my friend has even suffered physical abuse yet she chooses not to end the relationship rather she pushes her self to find a reason to believe that it's worth "  EVERYTHING". Another friend knew how she wanted to be treated in their relationship so she chose to be brave and end things since ,given many chances, has there been an improvement on how things are in their relationship. While one friend is simply scared to be alone so fall backs are necessities. Now my question is what really should be the basis on giving up on a relationship? Is it the time spent together? I say No, because a relationship maybe short but it could be deeper than the Marianas Trench for all we know. Is it your emotional capacity? I say probably but how much really is too much? Should there be a checklist on things to consider before breaking up? If so what are they?

You ask why I'm creating this post when I haven't ever been in one? hehe Maybe I'm just preparing myself or maybe .... who knows, the ONE might just be around the corner :) And I can hardly wait to be in one! :D

“I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound or stab us. If the book we’re reading doesn’t wake us up with a blow to the head, what are we reading for? So that it will make us happy, as you write? Good Lord, we would be happy precisely if we had no books, and the kind of books that make us happy are the kind we could write ourselves if we had to. But we need books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us. That is my belief.”

Franz Kafka 

story of my life

“Nostalgia is denial. Denial of the painful present. And the name for this fallacy is called golden age thinking — the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one one’s living in. It’s a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.”

—	Paul, Midnight In Paris

ang sarap talaga ng pakiramdam ng hinahabol kaya naiintindihan ko na mga kapwa ko babae bakit pakipot kami eh ahahahah :>>

childhood friend

this is just wow

We got the right 'cause they'll fight to use it,

Got everything and you can just choose it.

I won't just be a puppet on a string.

nostalgic

I was caught under the blanket of sadness simply because my co-actors are great at acting out their character but most of all it was because of the script. It was like hearing out loud the thoughts that the young naive, in love Maureen used to have back then. What our director said earlier was totally right when you've had your heart broken it's not the man you'll remember most but how you felt when you were being beaten up by your emotions; of your pain, of your sufferings because that sure was what nostalgia brought back earlier. the feelings not the person. It was funny to me now picturing myself on how I was just simply trying to coach the lead actress with what to feel & rehearsing the lines when I suddenly found myself crying over what I just read. It's a heavy, hazy, & draggy feelingto deal with because up until now as I am typing this at home I just cant quite come out of it.It's like relieving it again but not in its' most wrenching form, like it's ok but somehow not. It's incomprehensible if you havent felt this emotion yet and there's no use explaining because you'll never understand. Another thing that our director echoed earlier was it's a lot easier to pour your heart out into words when your sad compared to when your happy; like this post for example.

fast forward.

after a while it gets normal, after a while it hurts less. after a while it may not seem to matter less because you try to hold on to it but in reality yes it does, because soon you'll begin to accept that it's already how the system goes. after a while you'll stop questioning why and after a while you'll start to think less of yourself and begin to understand that YES some things really aren't meant for you. After a while you'll learn to hide your disappointments and let the world see what they wanted to see from you. After a while you'll learn to adapt: to change your face but no matter how good you fake your smile you'll never learn how to hide the sadness from you eyes.

After a while you'll begin to understand that the reason why you weren't told, the reason why you were excluded probably because you don't matter anymore or maybe because it's a choice made, simply because they chose to do so end of story.

NAKAKA-INIS

8:15

naiyak na naman ako sa inis. nakakainis talaga as in nakakainis talaga. seryoso talaga nakakainis. isang buwan kong inantay ang Formula 1 Belgian Grand Prix sa Spa Francorchamps tapos sa turn 1 ngayon ngayon lang as of 8:00 lumipad si Grosjean tapos nabanggan niya si Alonso, binangga din si Alonso ni Hamilton now the three of them were out the race. isang buwan kong inantay si Alonso na magrace tapos ngayon mauungusan na siya. update later